When I first heard the term “Resting Bitch Face,” I immediately started to think of people I knew that had one of those faces that when you looked at it, even if they are in the throes of excitement and happiness, still look like they could not be bothered. My wife, ironically, pointed out that when I am thinking, my look of consternation comes off brooding and somewhat in the realm of R.B.F. Therefore, since I’ve accepted that I have a brooding face, I thought I should highlight some faces of sports players that when I see them or even hear their name, I immediately envision their face and cringe.
We encounter W.T.F moments all the time and occasionally, those moments are influenced by the simple presence of a certain type of face. Oh, and suck it “BuzzFeed,” this list isn’t for hipsters or the easily offended so just go sit in the corner somewhere drinking your PBR, twisting your terrible mustache, and denouncing professional sports as “the bane of American culture; ripping from its fabric the essence of art, culture, and humanity.” I recently heard one of these skinny jean wearing, sprout worshiping ne’er-do-wells drone on and on about the simpletons that kneel at the altar of professional sports.
1.) Sidney Crosby: First and foremost, I hate his face because he plays for the Penguins. I’m not going to lie. However, have you ever seen “Sid the Kid” during the playoffs with his alopecia riddled face? (By the way, a cute nickname when you’re actually a kid, but eventually you hit your 20’s and 30’s and the moniker comes off sophomoric at best. Unless your name is Billy, drop the Kid.)
Seriously though, I hate his playoff facial hair attempts. It has to be a shame that one of the most popular sports customs, the hockey playoff beard, is something clearly well out of Sid’s reach. The peasy mustache looks more like the 12 year-old Italian kid you grew up with that had a faint little mustache tuft that all the other boys either admired or envied. Cool mustache to have when your baby makers haven’t descended, but terrible when you’re a grown man playing for the Stanley Cup.
2). Shannon Sharpe: This one is quite simple. Shannon Sharpe played for the Denver Broncos. Shannon Sharpe looks like a horse. A Bronco is a horse and I think it is incredibly wrong to have a player on your team that resembles your mascot. Shannon had quite the career and obviously had an impact on the teams for which he played. Nevertheless, Shannon Sharpe’s equine face seemed more fitting for the Belmont Stakes than a Super Bowl Sunday showdown.
3). Kevin Durant: Respect the hell out of this guy. When he’s healthy, he’s dangerous. When he’s injured, he’s still better than half of the NBA players when they are completely healthy. Would I want him in Philadelphia? Damn right I would. But…
That eye! I know it’s horrible to say and I feel truly terrible for people with lazy eyes but it is so difficult to watch a game when they do a close up on Durant and he’s got one eye on the basket and the other one is all like, “Ohhhh, that kid sitting directly to my right is eating cotton candy.” I know, I’m terrible but the dichotomy of my awe is split between admiring Kevin Durant and his abilities on the court and his eye that looks like it’s doing everything in its power to get off the court. (Or at the very least, go all Tony Hawk and do a 360.)
4). Pat McQuistan: When you look like Rocky Dennis made a love baby with himself, there’s just nothing you can do for a person. Most people do not even know who this man is because he’s never really stayed with an NFL team for very long. He was drafted by the Cowboys; coupled with the fact that his doppelgänger is a character from the movie Mask (no, not Jim Carrey’s The Mask), there’s nothing endearing about his mug. The only thing that would make Pat McQuistan’s face an even sadder story would be if he had attractive parents.
5). Robert Griffin III: I’ve seen the stories about him befriending a young girl that had cancer and how he’s always reminded of her. Seems like a pretty decent dude off the field. In the realm of football, RGIII has the kind of face that makes me want to turn away. His eyes and play on the field makes him look like a fish that fell out of the bowl and his over-bite, I’ll bet, affords him the opportunity to eat fruit placed on the other side of a fence. No worries for RGIII and his stalled career; impersonators make a lot of money and I’m sure people would pay decent money to hang out with Wiz Khalifa.
6). Chris Bosh: What…in the literal….fudge…happened to Chris Bosh. When I was five years old, had I known E.T. would one day come back as a 7′ basketball player, I would have called you a liar.
7). Alexander Ovechkin: I know hockey players do not always have the greatest teeth and it is expected in such a brutal sport. However, I do not know if we can blame the brutality on the game as the reason behind the brutality of Ovechkin’s face. He hails from Russia but looks like he was raised in an offshoot of the Amazon. No human being should look like an ogre with the mouth of a piranha.
8). Takeo Spikes: Can someone possibly explain if Takeo Spikes ate and swallowed a wine cask as a child? When fitted for a suit, the tailor uses a tape measure to get physical dimensions. If you have to use rope and a yard stick to get your measurements, you may want to skip your shoulder workout for the next decade.
9). Antonio Silva: MMA fighter and the owner of a chin that is eerily similar to the shape of Takeo Spikes’ neck, I often feel the need to watch an episode of the Munsters after I watch a Silva fight. MMA fighters are known for their ability to take a punch; unfortunately, in Silva’s case, it looks like he took two fists to the chin and refused to give them back. Hey, Antonio, while I know you could crush my skull in a dozen times over, I have an overwhelming desire to put you in a Washington Bullets jersey and to get you to star in a reboot of My Giant with Billy Crystal.
10). The Manning Brothers: Eli and Peyton Manning look like they inspired the two characters from the television cartoon Phineas and Ferb. While my daughters crack up at the antics of these two characters, I can’t help but stare at the television, hoping for an episode where the pair come out dressed in Giants and Broncos jerseys.
I give credit where credit is due and I will not take away from their abilities on the field (although, can we also stop with all the Manning idolatry. If one more person around me sings “Chicken Parm you taste so good,” I may beat you to death with a bean bag chair and a wiffle ball bat. Regardless of whether you agree that the two look like Phineas and Ferb, methinks that Archie and Olivia Manning may have set next to each other as kids during family reunions. It’s just a theory…but I think I’m right.
Judge Not, Tilghman
I know that I look like the Brawny Man and Drew Carey had a lovechild. I’m certainly not a gem of a human but I’ve been staring at this face for thirty-five years and I’ve grown accustom to my low dipping eye, gnarled baby teeth that are still in my mouth because it turns out when your parents engage in full-blown meth usage when they conceive you, meth screws up teeth that haven’t even formed yet.
I embrace my face, accept that my breasts may be puffier than that of a woman with an A-cup, rock a pretty impressive man-muffin top and overall have nailed down average. I’ve accepted it. However, if you really ask yourself about athletes or celebrities that force you to proclaim, “W.T.F,” you will find that there is a history of ugly in every sport.